Dog Days.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Lady trips and lounging are just a few things to have consumed my recent summer days.
All fully embraced with joy and appreciation, of course.
Hawaii, right?
Nope.  Pepin, WI.  Crazy, isn't it?
It's all about perspective though, right?  
We all see things differently.
Amazing, as a stay-at-homer (sort of,)
how an empty car and a long stretch of road, two good nights of uninterrupted sleep and "girlfriend" time,
can feel like a trip around the world.
Only to arrive whole and new again.
At least for 14 minutes, before I'm back in the thick of it.
As I re-settle back in to reality,
I tend to look for signs in things.
But I also try equally hard not to see them.
It's how I deal.
Subtle or not-so-much indicators,
that I'm heading in the right direction,
or at least following the "right" path.
It's not always easy to know.
I grip tightly to the life I know as a mother of young children,
on the cusp of a new dawn.
Of children growing older, becoming more responsible, more self-sufficient,
able to stay at home alone for an hour or so, walk to the gas station with their chore money for beef jerky and a slushie
(it's the little things, when you're 9.)
I love it and it's amazing to witness.
But my grasp remains equally as tight to the idea of babies and diapers and late nights and nursing and strollers, pac n' plays and bottles.
All of it, still within site.
I can still taste it and feel it and breathe it in.
And there are signs.
Again, some quiet and maybe just coincidence?
Three's good, right?
But no match for the fact that I can't even look at the mountain of baby bins, swings and bouncy seats, dusty breast pump and all,
and not lose my shit.
A heavy weight sitting on my chest, a lump in my throat, 
as I try to picture myself sifting through it all, 
folding and refolding teeny onesies, 
another life whittled down and labeled with .$75 or $1.00.
I can't.  I'm not there yet.  Not ready to let go.
And I ask myself daily?  What's the answer?  What do we do next?
How does a mother move forward or do they never?
I have no idea.
Literally am stuck.
So I take cues from them, the ones we've been given,
who are here now.
Reminded to live the only truth I know,
the present.
I tell myself I will naturally, LIVE THE ANSWER to where and what our life is supposed to become.
LIVE the answer.  Each day.
And your future will give you what you need.
As I repeat that mantra,
I keep my mind, heart and hands busy, always.
Being adventurous, because, well, we can.
After the table has been set, the water glasses finally poured, the kids have already inhaled their meals, tossed dishes in the sink and are already scrambling back out the door to be with their friends.
It's summer, so I let them.
And I sit.  And keep wondering.
Time is filled with snuggling, because there's nothing else to do.
Maybe some evening yoga in our scenic river view park,
or maybe air-drying baseball jersey's (literally. . .air drying,)
on the way to baseball, because I can't keep it all straight.
(And yes, of course, take pictures while driving.)
And then there's baseball.  Lots of baseball.
Lots of sweating and yawning behind laced wire.
Hey.  There has to be something to hold me back from holding on.
Always teaching me to let go and give them their freedom.
Even if it takes an actual barricade.
But it's hard.
I can't get over that my 8-year-old offers to make his dad coffee on the weekends.
That it's "dad" now, no longer "daddy."
I can't get over that he's old enough to bike to the corner store and pay for things by himself.
That he thinks to buy me my favorite gum with his leftover money.
That he seems to age 10 years with every haircut.
I can't get over that my 4 and 7-year-old can get up quietly in the morning,
turn on cartoons and wait for me to get up.
That almost every tooth in my second graders mouth, 
is on its way out.
Don't get me wrong, it's amazing.  And magical.  Each and every moment a blessing beyond belief.
As my thoughts fight for more in the future and work to stay present, 
living the answer, 
it's still summer.
A season when I may not turn the nozzle for the shower, until 3:36pm.
Days so hot and humid we find brief respite under the florescent lights of Target.
Our flip-flopped feet hitting the cool tile, our field trip for the afternoon.
If we're bored, we might pump iron,
 do some more yoga,
or get interviewed on the news:)  Pretty damn cool.
Regardless of what's happening,
how much I continue to take on or ingore on my plate,
I will forever keep my heart open, 
to all that the future holds.

3 comments:

gabbygrace said...

live the answer...live the answer...it's perfection :)

B. Holmes said...

awesome post liz...busy summer. much luv!

B. Holmes said...

It was really cool to watch your news clip! The paddle board yoga class looks so fun. Wow summer is winding down already... Take care

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