Wednesday, January 2, 2013

I love experimenting.
Not with new ingredients, styles of clothing,
drugs, multiple partners. . .
Although some days?  Those things sounds SUPER awesome and more exciting than my life.
But that's not what I mean.
I could never do that anyway.
Despite the image of me you may have,  
I'm so not that woman.
I'm a total prude.
Despite my natural draw towards all things creative and unique and raw and earthy, maybe a little bit rebellious and rule-breaking,
I'm overly-cautious, controlling and conservative in many ways. 
Ultimately, boring as hell.  (Ask my husband.)
But experimenting?
Sign me up.  Maybe 'challenge' is the right word.
I like 'challenges,' not competition.
I don't like to compete with anyone but myself.  
HOWEVER, my husband and I have made it our life's purpose
to point out each others' flaws (not competitively, but lovingly.) 
Help to fix them. . .or at least shove them gently in another direction.  
Make each other better, we'll say. 
My past "experimenting," although totally lame,
has always been a learning experience.
It has ranged from the simplicity of rearranging rooms, organizing spaces, cleaning house physically and emotionally. . .
I LOVE to throw things away.  Simplify.  Release.
But in the house of marriage and three kids, businesses, and passions, winter boots and warm, wooly scarves,
life piles up fast.
And when it does, when I finally have reached my limit,
I feel a strong urge to reassess, reprioritize and replenish by release.
And on this New Year?
It's like a free for all for someone like me, 
to purge the stuff that just isn't working.
To stand before my domain, my hands resting comfortably in the nooks of my child-bearing hips, 
and survey the land.
In the past, my more 'challenging' experiments have ranged from,
no chocolate for 30 days (lasted 14,)
no coffee for a week (lasted 3,)
no cable (lasted 23 hours before I was on the phone calling Comcast to reconnect it.)
My most recent boast?  
60 days of intense interval training, 6 days a week. (THAT I finished.  And STILL don't have the abs to prove it.  Whatevs.)
I didn't say I was good at it. . .experimenting.
But I like to see what I'm capable of.
Push the envelope a little on areas of my life that may need serious evaluation and change.
My experiement for 2013?  
Prompted by my husband,
who has recognized every free second I have available, I'm on my phone, gliding through FB to see what the rest of the world is doing.
Like everyone else, posting pictures, self-promoting, bragging about the latest and greatest adventure. . .
I don't know.  I didn't think it was hurting anyone.  And it's not.
But it takes so many chunks of minutes of my day I could be doing more MEANINGFUL things.
Rather than waiting to see who comments, who's leaves a note, who 'likes' my shit.
Who cares?  Well, I do.  Why do I need that?
I don't.  I need to step away.
I understand I'm not sitting in a corner doing shots of whiskey at 10am.
But it takes away from my life. . .I can feel it.
Gets me wrapped up in others' perception of me, leaving me feeling like I always have to put something out there, have something to show for. . .
I don't need that.  I do enough.
Although it's great for networking, SO great for connecting with people and promoting business, 
it isn't necessary.
After my husband's observation, 
I thought of all the other things I could be doing in the hours I've gotten lost on FB.
So, the first (of many, I'm sure) new experiments for 2013?
No Facebook.
For a month.
I'm MORE than ready to release myself from my usual digital morning.
Where the first thing I do, upon rolling over to look at the time, or greet the sweet little face that prodded me awake,
is click on my FB app and see what's happened since I fell asleep.
THEN check my email. 
THEN check my digital to-do list for the day.
Done with all that nonsense.
Replacing my FB following addiction with reading more PRINTED words in actual BOOKS!
Writing and journaling instead of 'liking' things that do nothing for me or give me zero satisfaction in return.
Inspired also, by one of my beautiful loves,
who wakes every day, rubs her sleepy eyes awake, 
reaches for her paper, crayons and her Bink and Gollie book to draw on, (because it's a hard surface to write on when you're sitting up in bed.)
Who reminds me what it means to BE.PRESENT.
Something I fail at almost every day, but am constantly trying to embrace.
What better time to shut it all down?  
Go back to the basics.
My family, my friends, my home, my work, my passions.
I have within me always, this overwhelming urge to create.
This unbelievably strong current pulsing through me at all times,
to DO something.  To MAKE something.
Not just paper snowflakes or chocolate chip cookies or babies,
but artistic work.
Things that reflect my mind and creativity.
Things that inspire, move and help others.
With more time disconnected from the internet, 
there'll be more time for things EQUALLY as rejuvenating.
even if they have an audience.
Replacing old, life-sucking habits, 
with new, more replenishing ones.
Aaahhh...I can feel life getting lighter.
Gracie woke this morning crafting the loveliest of notes,
something I needed to feel.
Just randomly sharing with me how proud she was of the 'job' I do.
Ugh.  Heave cry.
"Well, what about dad?"
She ran downstairs to produce another.
 {That's "electricity" in case you were wondering.  And she informed me that she meant to write "invented."}
And I love that she thinks Brian actually MAKES the electricity.
Again, back to simpler days.
Not starting it by "connecting" to a world I can't feel,
but CONNECTING to what I can. 
To what's real and physical and here right now.

(So, find me here for awhile.  Not on FB.)


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