perfection in mistakes.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

"there are no mistakes in life."
or accidents.
i like that.  how do YOU feel about that?
i keep thinking about that concept and believe in it more and more each day, that i ponder it.
i've heard the phrase a million times, in a buddhist reading, i think it could be a staple  phrase in taoism. . .
no idea.
but for some reason, it keeps flowing in and out of my consciousness,
as i often process all our own little family has faced thus far,
also anticipating what the future will bring.  i really need to stop that.:)
but this idea.  that, . .
i don't know.  i find comfort in that, for some reason.
despite the hard stuff that has and will continue to impale our otherwise 'lovely' little worlds,
there's some 'letting go' in that idea.
some surrendering sprinkled with some faith.
but tell that to a grieving parent who's just lost a child,
a life circumstance you never truly recover from.
or to someone who has been given the most devastating news.
well, there are no mistakes.  no accidents.  right?
i often think about this family that was on the news years ago,
their three teenage daughters were killed on their way to their brothers' wedding, all riding together to the church.  how in a matter of seconds, a wedding turned in to a funeral.  
three-fourths of a family, gone.
or the recent stories here at home, of jack jablonski,
an otherwise, healthy, lively hockey player, who's whole life was upended, from one hard check against the boards.
a tragedy, an unthinkable event for any parent, to have your child become paralyzed.
but no mistake?
that story alone, has had every parent rethinking their choice to have their kids in hockey. . .
i know i have.
because that could be any of us.
so this idea, that there are no mistakes, no accidents,
is a hard one to let in, especially in the depth of grief, a darkness so deep,
you feel you may never find your way out.  nor ever be the same.
or maybe you're in a completely different 'mistake.'
in a loveless marriage.
did i marry the wrong person?
take the wrong job?
help the wrong person?
move to the wrong city?  the wrong house?
poor decisions, once we can look back, although annoying and frustrating,
well, even THEY will lead you to greater wisdom.
a, 'well, never doing that again.'
but to more growth, greater appreciation, more love, more respect.
more self-awareness.
i've said this before and i'll keep saying it,
from every horrible predicament we find ourselves in,
there's a lesson to be learned.  and i don't mean that in a 'slap on the wrist, you should've been more careful,' lesson learned,
but a nugget of, 'hey.  you need this wake up call, as painful as it is."
or 'hey, you weren't paying attention.  what are you going to take from this, young lady?'
or you weren't grateful enough, loving enough, patient enough, forgiving enough. . .
we could go on, huh?
but again, even if 20 years down the road, something finally settles in, you've moved beyond the pain,
something might click.  even if it's just acceptance.  or gratitude.
from a moment, that, no, was never a mistake, but just another part of the life path you were on.
so, as i mentioned, i'm finding comfort in this idea.
when applying it to what our family or friends have dealt with,
it makes sense.
at first, you're not going to welcome this truth in wholeheartedly,
with arms wide open for a big bear hug.
we are human, after all, and sometimes, truth is the hardest thing to hear.
we'll cry and scream and push and throw and say no and ask why to it up and down and every which way,
until we've settled from exhaustion, and can see again.
eventually, we'll see. . .
there are no mistakes.
just life.  as it is.  good and bad.
does rehearsing those words take away pain, suffering, doubt?
absolutely not.
but it can make the day to day stuff, come together more purposefully.
help us make better choices.
think out our decisions a little better.
and if we make the 'wrong' one, trust that it was just another lesson to learn.
even in the worst of it,
everything happens for a reason. . .whatever that reason will be, from whatever horrible predicament.
despite the anger, the resentment, the crappy people in our lives,
there's a reason. . .for all of it.
to teach us something.
to sit.  to stand.  to speak.  to put down the phone.  to love.  to trust.  to let go.  to keep our eyes open.  to breathe.
there's liz's deep thought, for the day.  chew on it.  spit it out, if it doesn't sit well with you.
but think about it.
in the meantime,
this is jon.
my little partner in crime, these days.
not much of a help, but, i'll take him.  as long as he can keep his pants on.
not taking aim on any bad guys,
but the toilet.  
and he's good.

the days he's home with me, are ours.
and i love them.
i pretty much let him do whatever he wants,
because he's my baby.
even sit in his sister's car seat, when she's not here.  (he's a beast.)
only for short car rides, because he feels like a big boy and isn't strapped down like he normally is in HIS car seat.
and oh my dear LORD i'm feeling SO happy about the release of this article.
so much that i might have to print it and hang it somewhere where i see it everyday.
FINALLY something, someone to say, 'hey.  although you're not always doin' it up pretty, calm, gracefully, you're doin' it, and learning as you go.  and you're not alone.  and you're not a bad mom.  fantastic article, please read.
oh, and cherishing.  yes, yes i am.  i can say that much.  love.this.
between the huffing and puffing and sighing and complaining 
all while trying to be an awesome mom, which, clearly i'm not,
i'm finding time to cherish.
even if it's from behind my camera.
this boy man is. . .growing too fast.
{his version of a toga. . .sure.  as long as your man bits are covered.}
who's putsy-ness and dilly dallying makes me looney with impatience and frustration,
warms my heart daily, with is kindness and thoughtfulness and sensitivity.
the kind that makes me want to try harder.
the good and gut-wrenching stuff that only a child can show you.

my baby girl, who's kind and gentle heart, 
impresses me each day, teaching ME to be kinder, gentler.
who always has enough care to give to her baby brother when he's hurt or upset.
who's more nurturing naturally, then i could EVER be.
love that.
and although EACH of my days seems to be filled with too many 'mistakes' to count,
it's all good.
because we get second chance's every second, if we're open to it.
most days, i feel like the pilot of a small charter plane,
unsafe, unsteady. . .a little shaky and full of air,
pushing my kids out to jump, suited up in their survival packs (or hello kitty, whatever,) to be in the world.  only to grow up and away from me.
but growing with them adds beauty to letting them fly.
and hopefully teaching them to be BETTER, so they, one day, can give back even more.
it doesn't matter how crazy our morning was, how much i yelled, how much they complained, how late we are or tense i am. . .this is a 'kairos' moment for me.  EVERY. DAY.  where i watch them run in, say a little prayer, my heart sinking a little each time at the sadness of them growing so fast, but quickly rising at the blessings of their healthy lives and the opportunity to live it from this perspective, that of a parent.
thankful for EVERY second.  EVERY mistake.


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