Monday, November 14, 2011

sundays at our house, 
at least lately, since we've been 'forgoing' our Catholic duties,
have become a big 'ol cluster-you-know-what.
{this is just ONE counter top in our little kitchen.  picture the rest of our house like this.}
we are so lazy.
so tired.
and so torn between all we need to get done and haven't.
that we sort of. . .collapse.
although it should be a day about family,
the most recent of sundays, have been nothing but a long day of tears,
boredom and not wanting to do ONE more thing for our whiny children.
like our weary heads, 
our house gets turned upside down.  
but that's ok.
we just don't care, on this day.
we're too tired.
my recent posts, have been about FINDING the peace.
FINDING the good.  
flossing your teeth happily with the silver lining.
and i continue on that journey.
but i AM human after all.
and AS humans, we have our moments.  
where our 'human-ness' comes out, despite our reflective blogging,
our shared 'introspective and enlightening' thoughts.
where we lose our schmidt a little. . .
i don't know why. . .
i don't know why i CONTINUE to do it!
EVERY time, i ask myself, 'why?  why, liz?  why torture yourself like this? 
it's not worth it.'
(more than one.)
it's so painful. 
i look with amazement upon the parents whose children are quietly entertaining themselves with soup cans or cereal boxes,
playing little alphabet or rhyming games with their ever-so-patient mommy, on each food item they pass. . .
all the while, wondering why my parenting abilities are slipping through the cracks, 
wondering what I'M doing wrong,
why it's so hard to summon up more patience.
asking WHY my own children turn in to such HEATHENS the minute we cross the threshold in to fluorescent lighting and man-made mountains of packaged cookies and frosted cupcakes.
i hate you, CUB.
i DESPISE this place.
oh yes, i know.  they have great deals and bargains galore.
but sometimes i wonder if $2 off a pound of ham or buy-one-get-one-free is worth my sanity.
i don't think it is.
it's not necessarily the location, i hate, but the experience that it brings.
unlike the good church-going people of this town,
nestled side-by-side on mahogany benches, underneath stained-glass windows,
i found myself trudging down the aisle's of one of my most hated places on earth,
a 3-year-old LITERALLY hanging off the cart,
my 5-year-old begging for ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. 
as if all the rules and rigidity and respect from home was left behind at the entrance
with all the cold-and-flu-virus-lined carts.
the only thing that gets us through the first 20 minutes is the promise of a free (old) cookie,
which now-a-days, only takes them about .3 seconds to devour, because my children are pigs and don't chew their food.
after that, it's balls to the wall to get the rest of the grocery shopping done.
and why?
why do i ALWAYS get in line behind the person with 8700 coupons?
all my stuff is on the belt.  my kids are running amok because i can't keep them contained anymore.
or better yet. . .
today, the sweet young couple with ONE sweet child, 
that bought a turkey. . .but it wasn't the 'right' one that was covered by a coupon.
so they had to get them the RIGHT turkey, which took them a half hour.
meanwhile, i'm OUTWARDLY expressing my annoyance.
tapping my foot, hands on my hip, sighing loudly, 
that rage-filled sweat starting to cover my body.
{i sweat when i'm fuming.
and i wasn't necessarily fuming about the turkey sitch. . .but my unruly children.  and my stupidity at not learning a lesson after the last 36,000 times i've taken the kids with me somewhere like this and not had a pleasurable experience.}
what made me think this time would be different?
there was a small voice in my head, wanting to tell the sweet family ahead of me,
to run.  run fast before my top blows.
and i'll buy your damn turkey.

isn't that awful?:)
i know.  i'm SUCH a bi**h.
but we ALL have these moments from time to time.
where all 'om' and namaste are totally out the window.
my own daily practice of breathing and centeredness and love-and-light-sending thoughts have completely abandoned me in this moment. 
gettin' out of dodge faster than thelma and louise.
they realized they couldn't compete with the PMS on the brink. 
so hightailed it outta' there.
they knew. . .there was no chance against the REAL chemical change that occurs prior to,
that produces rage, intolerance and impatience like no other.
not to mention, throbbing zits on my face with hair and teeth. . .
but that's no excuse for mean-ness.
i HAVE to try to summon up some of that harnessed peace and find gratitude.
THANKFUL that my husband works so hard to bring home money that can fill this cart to the brim with all my organic/gluten-free/whole food-so-damn-expensive food to feed my little family.
THANKFUL that my legs work, that i have the strength to push this cart with my kids hanging off.
THANKFUL that my kids have a voice.  that, although often annoying, 
their voices are loud.  strong.  healthy.
maybe there's a reason i always get stuck in that extra slow lane.
when it often is a hindrance, maybe it's really a lesson in disguise.
to practice more patience.  and gratitude.  something i pray for often.
so i brought that home with me {and my sweaty tee shirt,}
and tried to re-center for the remainder of our sunday.
it wasn't easy.
{refer back to the beginning of this post.}
and when everyone had gotten hurt at least 3X, 
every blanket, every toy, every puzzle had been taken out and played with,
we called upon the most HEALING and rejuvenating form of medicine a family could ask for on a ruckus of a sunday. . .
it delivers, every time.  without fail.
oh sure, with our jacked-up bunch, even a walk down the street is filled with drama.
but it chills them out.
makes them happy.
gives US a much needed break.
forces us to breath in and out and come back to the moment.
to what's left of the crispy leaves,
the chill in the air, forewarning us that snow is on its way.
{jack was pissed because he didn't want to go on a nature walk.
then he got in to it.  until he fell in to a stream.  omg, seriously.}
{not a big one. . .he was trying to run and jump over it.  
he's graceful like a two-ton pick-up.}
but he recovered nicely.
and so did we.
taking to the streets of our sweet, little town,
finding that peace under the dismal november skies,
in nature.
wild berries.
lonely red leaves.
more berries (in the sky.)
a sasquatch.
{kidding.  it's me.  and yes, my sweet hat is back.  and yes, of course, i touched up this photo.  do you really think my skin looks THAT good?!  pleh!}
but finding some much needed patience and happiness, in each other.

learning to forgive our (my)self, for my mistakes.
my impatience.
my mean thoughts.
my occasional rage.
thankful for having the ability to make a new choice.
thankful for white picket fences, even if they're not in our yard.:)


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