Wednesday, November 9, 2011

the church of pancakes beckoned to us this past sunday morning,
luring us towards latte's made with love,
to pancakes i didn't have to flip.
eggs i didn't have to scramble.
bacon i didn't have to fry.
but could just sit back and enjoy with my fam.
still rubbing sleep from our eyes after a late night out with good friends
and this DAMN daylight savings' time, a curse to parents everywhere.
but a good sunday, we had.
perfectly ok with still being stuck between religion and enlightenment,  
continuously working to become more conscious, more aware, more grateful,
more forgiving, more kind with faith. . .
but WITHOUT an organized religion to get lost in.
simply learning 'to be.'  SO, SO difficult these days.  
continuing to teach myself to just BE in the moment, 
thankful this month of thanksgiving, 
for the little things.

the sunrise view from gracies' room on a cool, fall morning,
over our sleepy little still-watered town.

sundays can be stressful as well as magical at our house.
each weekend seems to bring new and sometimes not so pleasant experiences with our kids.  ESPECIALLY the weekends where time changes and so do our children's demeanor's.
as brian and i continuously fight for more sleep 
and wish we could find a time machine that could take us back to college,
where sundays were spent laying on the couch 'til 2,
finding solace from nasty hangovers in old tee shirts, a basket of fries, a bloody mary and a tv.
not so much.
oh, we still try.
{that's brian, finding refuge under an old comforter.}
me, all the while, doing my darndest not to give in to the heaps of halloween candy stashed in our basement.
(i finally had to haul some of it out to the garbage because i don't trust myself.)
instead, i baked a pumpkin banana mousse tart.
i love you, ina.

{no, i did not eat that whole half myself.}
but i could've.
in the meantime, 
this aforementioned 'time change' is really crampin' my style.
and it wasn't the first day that it's impact landed heavily upon our not-so-humble-abode,
but the second.
last night, after much screaming and wrestling and bonks and punches,
i lost it.  turned the tv off (as that seems to draw out the demons,)
and said, 
'that's it.  you guys are on your own for the rest of the night.  find something to do.'
and shockingly, it was met with great effort.
i went about my business, finding a happy place, ignoring the whining, the begging, the drama, tending to dinner,
only to soon after, find this. . .
MY kids.  playing quietly.  focused on brain-stimulating activities.  
quiet.  peaceful.  oh joy.
and these moments. . .these few and far between moments (in my house, at least,) 
where i sigh.  
a sigh of joy and relief that #1.  order CAN be restored without the glare of the tv.  #2.  they ARE capable of getting creative.  #3.  there CAN be peace and quiet with these three in a room together.
moments like this, although fleeting, where i feel good about my choice of becoming a mother.  where an answer to why i chose this life, is answered with, 'yes.  this is why.'
moments like this that give me some respite and propel me to keep going.
(yeah, no idea what's with the sweatband.)
moments that make me feel proud and awesome at my job.
and replaces our oft-too-small-of-a-house thoughts with 
'oh, this house is just the right size for our sweet little family.'
ah. . .but i am too smart.  this is the calm before the storm.
this photographed moment?  where i held my breath, pretended to not see any of it,
tip-toeing around so as not to awaken the sleeping lions?
only lasted. . .um. . .10 minutes.
grace got SO pissed that she couldn't drive a highway (?!?!) crushing every piece of paper in sight, throwing her crayons across the room, kicking anything in her path, RAGING because she couldn't get it the way she wanted.  then charlie got upset because grace hit him with a crayon, jack became bored and started his lobbying for rights to the computer. . .sh** hit the fan.
my moment was destroyed.  hauling grace to her room for her unacceptable behavior.  
(oh, i DID try to help her calmly, draw a new road, she crumpled that up and threw it.)
oh know you didn't!
she screamed for TWO HOURS in her room, trashing it, pounding on the door.
i paced around the living room, picking up the aftermath, talking to myself like i TOO, had gone batsh** crazy.  cursing up a storm and how UNBELIEVABLE they can be and are SO good at ruining the most lovely of moments.
meanwhile, charlie, knowing i was occupied with the 5-year-old possessed child, 
raded the pantry, leaving a tornado in his wake.
and it was only 6pm!
daylight savings is mean and so crazy how it affects my children.  just by simply adding that hour or taking it away.
oh sure, it's also my parenting style, colds, lack of sleep. . .
but it seems when the time changes, the full moon hangs heavy over our household,
taunting us with it's splendor but wreaking havoc on their little bodies.
everyone just seems. . .off.
but it's our family.
and we'll settle.
find a new pace, more patience, more calm.
and we'll work to do better.
and i'll eventually remind myself that half of the problem is always my reaction to them,
not necessarily their behavior.
the words of my dear friend always ringing clearly in my ear. . .'just don't engage.'
don't engage with them when they're acting like that, when they're inconsolable or just plain mean. . .no matter how tired, how crabby, how hungry. . .
calmly, remove them.:)
and love them.  the best you can.
you should be able to go to bed at night, feeling like you did your best.
feeling GOOD about yourself and how you lived that day.
i don't have many days like that.
but i will.


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