Sunday, October 2, 2011

ok.  i've had my five minutes to wallow in despair.
oh, it still sucks. . .a little.
my mind gets lost in the abyss of what if's a few times a day,
but i'm all cried out.
i'll no longer wince dropping jack at school in the mornings, 
because i'm tired and SO thankful to let someone else watch over him for six hours.
the school, and of course, the big man above.
but moving on.  
life doesn't stop.
and i certainly can't.  or i'll be swallowed up.
and i have two other needy children.
seizures aside, life as usual.
took the kids down to one of the most beautiful sites in stillwater, the boomsite.
i'll be damned if i'm going to let ANYTHING darken some of the most AMAZING days we get here in minnesota.
Fall days.  
i'm sorry, but you can't take that.  that's ours.
it's our FAVORITE time of year.
the sun is golden, the leaves vibrant, stretched out across the river valley like paint on a canvas.
smoke from neighboring firepits are brought in on a breeze through our kitchen windows.
and there's this amazing patch of red trees we pass taking the kids to school.
so cool.
in the midst of all the loveliness, the kids are still. . .kids.
annoying, frustrating, exhausting but hilarious.
i thought grace soaked up all the sass that could possibly be had by our children.
not so much.
charlie is covered in it.  
you probably can't tell by this pic.
he YELLED at me for a good five minutes the other day because i told him if he didn't put his big wheel on the sidewalk, he'd spend the rest of the night in his room. 
(he's not quite 3 yet, but a smart little guy and knows EXACTLY what i'm sayin.')
(those dashes between words are charlie taking a dramatic pause between each word, as if he's carefully been planning this attack for months and had to remember all the words he needed to get out.)
i stood there with my hands on my hips trying so hard not to laugh.
i replied in a calm but intimidating mom voice.  it took all i could not to throw my arm up in the air like the large, confident black woman that's inside this squat, little 5'4" norwegian frame, would do.
(oh no you didn't!)
he stared me down then REPEATED the above rant.
the nerve.
again, stifling laughter.  
'charles anton?  you do NOT talk to your mother that way.'
he hung his head in shame, plopped atop his big wheel, 
'oooooooooo-kkkkkkkkkk.  ugh.'
(he sounded like eor.)
then rode away, chubby little legs pumping.
not sure when it happened, but i haven't heard the name 'tuna' uttered in awhile.
because he's constantly stirrin' up trouble, irritating his sister, trying to wrestle his big brother to the ground.
he's not afraid.
but he has that other side to him, which i've mentioned before.
a sweetness and charm as thick as butter.
and he LOVES his big brother.
speaking of,
laying in bed, snuggling with my new bedtime companion, jack,
fighting sleep, of course, because i'm a little nervous still, about what the night will bring,
but so tired i can't see straight, 
jack startles me awake in one of those moments where you say in your head,
oh for the love.  shut up!  does this kid ever stop talking?!
no, no he doesn't.  even at 9pm after a double dose of anti-seizure meds, which is SUPPOSED to knock kids out.
not this one.
'mom?  i can see in to the future.'
he closed his eyes as he said this.
he got my attention, and of course, i started to panic.  waiting for him to say something profound about the future of his little life, our family, whatever.
'ah, you can?  like what?' i giggled nervously, waiting for his response.
he just lay there quiet as could be.
'i see a Wii in my future.'
my shoulders sunk with relief.  heh!
'and i think tomorrow i'm going to have a great day.'
oh, God bless him, for not giving me another ulcer with some terrifying premonition or hallucination the days ahead.
but for being such a beautiful child, like all of our children.
who are SO good at living in the moment.
and without their knowing, teach us all the things we need to know, 
or showing us EXACTLY what we need to see in that moment,
while our heads are swimming in another pool.
a good lesson for all of us to continue practicing day after day
(i talk about this a lot, if you read this regularly.  something i know is SO important and struggle to make a part of my life.)
not in thoughts of the next year, next month, a week from now, heck, if you can, even an hour from now.
but this moment.  and living it with the excitement and curiosity of a child.

{on a side note, for those interested, jack is still doing great during the day.  great week of school, endless energy.  we increased his anti-seizure meds at night, since that's when he's having them.  they've lessened in intensity, but still 2-3 a night.  SO, more waiting to see what a higher dose will do.  it'd be nice to bring them down to a small tremor, which he also has, something that's not doing any damage and something i'd feel putting him back in his room with.}

P.P.S.  i AM still a photographer.  and i AM still working.:)  if you want to get fall photos in or simply pics done before Christmas card printing is upon us, call/email anytime.  my schedule is filling up!


Post a Comment