Tuesday, September 27, 2011

in my last post, i touched on the beauty and great peace to be found in the mundane.
i'm finding it there right now, anyway.
the little things i can control throughout the day,
before night descends upon us, 
where i feel a little lost at sea. . .alone with no map or compass to guide me.
only our new knowledge and inner strength for whatever comes, until morning.
but the daytime. . .
the small movements we make without thinking,
putting ponytails in,
tying shoes, buttoning coats,
rinsing dishes, emptying garbage,
are lovely and centered right now.
because that is all we have.  those small moments that make up a day, 
at home with our children.
of course sprinkled with all that makes being a mom amazing.
the games, the laughter, the outdoors, the new experiences, the hilarious things they say and do.
never knowing what tomorrow will bring.
last night i awoke to jack having a good one, around 11:30pm.
the ones i haven't been able to fall asleep after.
only lasting about a minute, but long enough.  
he, of course, nestles back in to his pillow.
i, now on alert for the next one.
wide awake now with fear and anticipation.
but reminding myself that this too, shall pass. 
like everything always does.
it's only been a week, we're still figuring out meds, triggers, etc.
so i just sit awake until my thoughts stop running.
and i watched him sleep last night, practically nose to nose
which is unnecessary, but i can't help it.
especially when i have him so close again.
so reminscent of my first months with jack,
all my babies, for that matter.
after those early morning feedings, so delirious from a crappy nights' sleep,
and bringing them in to bed with me to cuddle until daylight broke, to get just a few more hours.
ah, those are my most favorite days of motherhood thus far.
but watching him sleep now, 7 short years later,
i thought, 'God, had i known this would affect us, would i have?'
'would we have?'
being a parent is so amazing yet so terrifying.
it really is a gamble.  a job you can never fully prepare for.
the blessings far outweigh the challenges, for us anyway.
and even if you find yourself in dark moments, seeing hindsight with new prescription glasses on now and question your decisions to become a parent,
well, you know the answer.
you wouldn't trade it for anything or do it differently.
despite the setbacks along the way.
worth every second.
as i lay there, watching his little eyelashes flutter,
his chest finally calm, lifting and lowering softly and peacefully,
i wish i could see inside his perfect little head.
watch the little road map of synapses his brain is,
in the dark,
firing neurons like late night truckers speeding to their destination.
headlights on, plowing through the night.
and see that one. . .the one that's driving drunk in the wee hours of the morning.
and pluck him from the dangerous path he's on and toss him in jail.:)
or at least save him from doing any more damage.
for whatever reason, he's the a-hole causing this mess while my child sleeps.
but of course, i can't.  i'm not highway patrol, nor am i driving.
again, learning to let go, do my best to document and track,
view seizures objectively rather than emotionally.
BEYOND THANKFUL that this is manageable and not affecting his life otherwise.
only mine, really.:)
my mother-in-law reminded me that no one experiences these troubles with our children, 
like mothers do.
amen to that.
and my own mother reminded me that, eventually you get to a point in life,
where you're ok to let them go.  you HAVE to let go and let them grow, learn, make mistakes.
it's hard, but you can only take them so far and do so much for them.
and when they're this age, you can only arm yourself with knowledge, experience, faith and simply do your best.
so for now, my focus is keeping things moving until we've moved out of this, 
but cherishing the moments and lessons to be learned along the way.

















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