Sunday, September 25, 2011

ah. . .so much in life is laughable, really.
you get to a point where you just have to laugh.
find the humor in all of it.
no, not sitting up at night waiting for the next seizure,
but that just a week ago
i spent my time scouring the net, 
looking for the cutest winter coats i could find (i have a coat fetish.)
to now.
a short time later, scouring the net for epilepsy sites,
stories, research, anti-seizure meds.
i miss you etsy.
i miss you anthropologie.
i miss you ignorance and naivete.
but again, referring to my last post, 
that's not what life's about.
it's about what really matters. 
the people that enrich our lives,
not the things.
and doing your best to dedicate your days to THAT.  not coats.
i remember the first cold jack had at 4-months-old.
i was a nervous wreck, as his nights were filled with raspy breathing and an endlessly dripping nose.
i finally dragged a cot in there so i could watch him sleep, 
unable to bear the thought of him suffering by himself and what if something happened!
that's laughable.
that mom.  i was a rookie to the game.  
and now with this, what i wouldn't give to go back.
but maybe, like the dozens of colds and flu's that have passed through our family,
this too, will get easier and be just one of those things you manage until it has passed.
it's these moments in life, that truly test us.
show you what you're made of.
do we fall apart completely, losing ourselves and our sanity throughout the process
(which is PERFECTLY ok to do for a bit.  that too, is part of the process.)
but then do we rally, stop obsessing over what we can't control and just living with what we can?
like the laundry, the dishes, replacing toilet paper rolls, shaking out rugs, making lunches.
the little things we do each day that go unnoticed by our households usually,
but in times like this, can provide a little refuge from the stress and anxiety of whatever it is you're dealing with.
the ordinary.  there's nothing wrong with it.  that TOO, is a blessing.
it's also laughable, that just a week ago, i was spoiled with ten hours of sleep,
irritated easily with the minor inconvenience of being awoken by a thirsty 2-year-old.
or a 'i had a bad dream, mom.'
now, in the past few days,
thrilled to get five straight hours uninterrupted.
our minor inconvenience, now a seizure that lasts longer than its usual minute.
praying for those small issues to return,
to be able to share a bed with my husband again, rather than my lanky 7-year-old
who stretches out like he owns the place.
but we let him, because we know it won't last forever.
this is a good time for me, now that the fog is lifting a little and we're finding ways to cope,
to get back in tune with ourselves.
OUR needs.
how could we be selfish at a time like this?
you have to.  you can't sulk in the corner forever and feel sorry for yourself.
you have to move again, invite back in, the things that kept you centered before.
because, as i've said, what good are we to anyone else,
if we're not taking care of ourselves?
i'm a huge proponent of that.
for me, more sleep, more exercise, food that nourishes and doesn't deplete,
no alcohol for me.
practicing mindfulness.  i know what my tools are to help me manage stress.
yes, i know, i sound like a big ball of fun to hang out with.:)
but i'll own that.
i know what i need and i know what will get me through,
so we can better care for our family, our home.
and owning that for your kids too.  better sleep, less media, more outdoors.
i swear there's something healing and spiritual in living simply and naturally.
as granola-crunchy as that may sound.
so we'll go with that for now.
working to find peace and solace in each foot step forward,
trusting that we're in good hands
and will wear this new coat as well as we did the last one.


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