Friday, August 19, 2011

i'm craving something.
no, not sweet.  or salty.
a juicy burger
or a vat of icecream to soak myself in.
something else.  not sure what.
change?  more of it?
i don't come down from vacations well, no matter how stressful they were.
(refer to last post.)
they always spark something in me. . .a deep desire,
a strong need for. . .more.
to see more, do more, experience more.
it's like giving just a little pinch of crack to an addict.
too much and not enough.
i need more.  (vacation. . .not crack.)
my fellow mom's always joke,
you really need a vacation 
from your vacation (with kids.)
because re-entry is painful and arduous.
most recently, this burning desire for change,
a change of pace, scenery,
is ever-present.
i want to move (i tell brian.)
not from the living room couch to the kitchen table.
somewhere far.  new.  exciting.  
don't you ever feel that?
not trapped, necessarily, but this strong urge to get out of your little bubble and see the world?
live someplace new for awhile, just because?
i can go for long stretches in my quiet little neighborhood, finding happiness and as much contentment as possible each day,
among these four walls stuffed to the brim with dingy laundry, dishes and toilet bowls,
but then a vacation. . .lights a fire within me and often leaves me feeling like i'm missing out on something big.
that i've been isolated for some time and didn't even know it.
and i need more.
i've talked big in recent posts, 
on learning to find contentment no matter where you are.
but that where can get old sometimes.  
a morning of quiet, an afternoon of uninterruped solitude, 
can sometimes take care of that urge.
leaving me feeling more appreciative, calm, ready to continue.
but sometimes. . .and for me, as a stay at home mom,
you feel like you're standing at the edge.  
and hopping on a plane and flying away for a few days,
is SO damn tempting.
but then another moment overtakes you,
pulling you out of your daydreams,
and you remember why you're here, 
for now, at least.  reminding yourself again,
someday, you'll have a little more freedom.
for now, this is your trip.
crammed in to a used cozy coupe.
in your underwear.
and those God damn crocs.
this will just have to do.
i can't keep this kid to keep his clothes on.
or grace to take her pajamas off.
whatever.  i give up.  it's their road trip.  i'm just along for the ride.  and to chauffeur.
speaking of giving up,
it's 'give up day.'  friday.
the day i give up on, well, the day.
i call a time out, 
yell, 'UNCLE!' 
the day, each week, where my mood and physical well being get flushed down the toilet,
i fall victim to utter laziness, much to my husbands' dismay.
because he's tired too.
my role as caregiver slumps lazily in a corner, on top of all the laundry,
and SIMPLY do what has to be done to keep the kids safe and survive the moments to bedtime.
in the meantime, to help curb my appetite for change and new surroundings and vacations,
i'm trying new things, just for fun.
i'm going 30 days without eating red meat or dairy.  (a big deal for me, as i like all things mooing.)
a small effort to see what being a vegetarian is like and if it will really make me that much healthier.  but i need my fish and eggs.  
although i love my yoga and meditation and all that is peaceful and serenity now,
i love to dance.  loud music and booty shakin'.
i've been going to a zumba class once a week, 
that i have found, has been as equally freeing as yoga for me.
if you're a friend or reader, you know my 'if i could' dream of being a back-up dancer.
i have found it here, at zumba.
i can't tell you how much i look forward to this day each week,
where i can pretend, just for an hour,
that i AM that dancer.
booty-shakin and hip swingin' in da' club,
like i'm NOT a mother of 3,
an old, tired mom, who's curves and jiggling (in all the wrong places,) 
are natural and sexy and NOT the consequence of 3 close-crammed-in pregnancies.
there are other positive places to get lost, when you can't get away.
{a picture i took of the sunset, in my rear view mirror.}
i won't deny my feelings of wanting to see more, do more, visit more,
will always listen diligently to that pesky inner voice,
that tells me when it's time to take a break and catch my breath,
but also won't spend too much time living in the past, contemplating 'what if's,'
but see the beauty of all that's behind me,
and has brought me to today.



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