my little valentines.

Monday, February 14, 2011

we're being teased 
with this spring-like weather we've been having the past few days. . .
sunshine?  melting, dripping snow?  temps in the 40's?!
but i have to say, winter has been lovely.
yes, we were hit the hardest we've been hit in awhile, 
with snow, ice and below freezing temps,
but lovely, all the same.
yes, i'm wearing my new rose-colored shades.:)
but you have to, if you want to learn to live in a world where you can find joy and happines, no matter what the weather.
i LIVE for summer.  
i am a summer baby, after all.
but i have found so much solace and comfort in the heart of our home,
our kitchen, our family room,
snuggled under blankets on our couch in front of an always-lit fireplace.
i was even a little reluctant to cut down our dying garland outside, 
Christmas wreaths, the leftover decor,
(i know, get over it.  winter's on it's way out.)
but as usual, my inability to let things go, is still getting the best of me.
but it's time.
time to move on, on to today.
valentine's day.
with this new approach to living,
new outlook on life, 
some cancer-fear-induced, some, well, 
just because it was time for a change,
holidays (at least most recently,)
are savored.
and because this is such a fun age,
where the kids LOVE the change of seasons,
the holiday that corresponds with each month.
but it's a great excuse,
to buy those sweet socks and pair them with a sweet pull-up.
just because you can.
because i was reminded, dramatically,
how fast this time will go.
this time of coziness, control (or at least some,) of having our babies all under one roof, all the time, close
and loving us.
when they still want to be read to, kissed, held, played with, taken out. . .
because someday they won't.
and i was reminded of that.
i got this email from a friend as i was falling asleep one night last week,
and it spurred an hour of those REAL, agonizing tears
the uncontrollable, totally-out-of-line ridiculous cry's,
where snot and tears mix and run down your face
and you can't breathe you're crying so hard
and when all is good and well.
not because of some horrific tragedy that's befallen you.
but just because.
ever do this?
(i call it a cleansing cry.  i tend to have at least 3-4 a year.)
where you cry, get it ALL out and then you're good.
but in this particular instance, it was from this story.
please watch it if you have time.  preferably at the beginning of your day,
before you wake up to chaos and start to get edgy with the kids.
this will alter the way you move the rest of the day.
at least it did for me.
don't worry.  nothing happens.
just a beautiful reflection from a veteran mom,
who so eloquently described how i feel most days.
hence, the tears.
knowing that no matter what phase of parenting you're in,
how frustrating, annoyed, exhausted you are,
it will pass,
right before your eyes.
and you will long for these days.
well, this is just me too.  
deep down i've always known this.
never try to complain too much and NEVER wish these days away.
i love them little and within my control and under my roof and care.
i dread the days when they're entering the evil world of hormones and junior high and mean girls,
going off to college,
all the good-bye's and letting go's that come with our babies growing up.
i can't accept that yet.
don't know if i ever will.
i just want this.
how long will they be doing this?
just chilling on the couch, in their sweet socks and pull-up, watching cartoons?
not long.
the days will soon come, where being naked in front of mom,
will be weird.
i have already become aware of small changes with jack, who's 6.
i talk to him like he's an adult now.
i'm no longer 'mommy,' but now 'mom.'
i can't kiss him anymore when he jumps out of the car to run in to school.
and EVERY DAY, my heart breaks a little,
when i say good-bye and i love you and there's that small hope that he'll turn around and give me a kiss or a hug.
i know.  i'm so dramatic.
but that's me.
these days when decorating cookies, is still fun.  
and spending time TOGETHER, is still fun.
stressful, of course, but being together isn't lame.
my hope is that we can preserve some of that, somehow.
that they won't hate me so much, by the time they turn 16,
that they still might like to do some of this stuff with their old mom.:)
i cherish these moments with charlie.
because what if this is it?
what if this is where this chapter ends?
oh man, if i could, extend these feelings of great joy,
yes, although so stressful and exhausting,
of having babies and raising toddlers, i would.
i can see how some women just want to have more, 
to preserve this state of life they're in.
i want that too.
but brian has said, 'yes.  but will you ever feel done?  will one more child, then maybe just one more child, ever be enough?'
probably not.
but maybe?  many just get to a point where they are completely content and KNOW,
'nope!  we're good.  we're done adding to the brood.'
not that i'm not content.
as i've mentioned,
i've learned and am CONSTANTLY learning to appreciate the hear and now,
thankful for every day i'm given with my babes
and for the precious gifts they are.
but. . .
a wonderful place to be on valentine's.
a day we celebrate simply for another excuse to create sweet memories with our loves.
another day we can push ourselves (myself,) out of my typical house-mom role. . .perfecting the art of keeping the house together, the laundry folded and in drawers, the dishes put away,
push ourselves past the mundane, to do what really matters,
love more.


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