Wednesday, January 12, 2011

as the new year continues to unfold,
all that we've learned and experienced in the PAST year,
continues to trail my behind,
fast on my heals,
not like a pesky, demanding, whining and tired two-year-old,
but more like. . .train tracks,
strong, unbreakable, firmly planted in the ground behind me.
from the past to now.
a trail paved recently, 
with new strength, energy, vitality,
but most importantly, wisdom and peace that's finally beginning to seep in,
from my hard work, focus, determination,
towards living a better, healthier and more joy-filled life.
it's a slow start, but it's coming along.
you always hear people refer to life as full of 'ups and downs,'
hills and valleys, 
a roller coaster ride,
highs and lows.
i HATE that word.  it's disgusting to me,
and want nothing to do with it.
i wish i'd had this wisdom in high school and college.
in my twenties.
but hey, you're shown what you need to see
when you're ready to see it.
and now i know.
nothing good ever comes from it.
i've learned otherwise, 
from an amazing human being,
that we create the drama ourselves,
simply by the way we think.
which in turn, is reflected in the way we live,
the way we speak of others
and see the rest of the world.
and what i NOW believe to be true,
is that there are no ups and downs on this railway.
no deep, dark caves beneath the surface that we can't see our way out of,
even though it feels that way some times,
and those are the only words we can find to describe it.
but they're not really.  
in hindsight.
they're just stops on the journey.
at different railway stations.
some bigger and more painful than others.
and this is when we say, 'i'm so down.  i'm so low.  i'm devastated.  i'll never get through this.  i'm stuck.  i've hit rock bottom.'
the bottom of what?
maybe this vision of being in the deepest, darkest, depths of hell is just how you've learned and trained your brain to see things?
i see it another way.
merely a stop.  or maybe a wrong turn, depending on the situation.
'having a moment,' i like to say.:)
a setback.
but somehow, you're always moving forward.
no matter where you are, even if you feel you're at a standstill and can't see any light up ahead,
you're ALWAYS slowly moving forward.
not up or down.
just forward.
even with some of the most DEVASTATING circumstances in life,
the unimaginable, 
we ALWAYS move forward through it, no matter how painful,
no matter how far we think we've 'fallen.'
we're never really that far from the road we were on.
(o.k.  so this is a whole lot of rainbow and unicorn, deep-thought chatter.:)
my creativity these days, has turned from humor and gossip and bitching,
to health, well being, enlightenment, peace.
and it's a lovely place to be.
so on this goofy journey,:)
i've been reading a lot about nourishment.
not just what we put in or ON our bodies,
but how we NOURISH our being.
our souls.
here comes some more jacked-up-on-wiser-than-thou talk,
but what nourishes you???
do you take time to do that for yourself?
i was reading in one of my most recent 'self-help' books,
that you need to find things that NOURISH you.
i giggled knowing EXACTLY how brian would answer this.:)
men (many,) only need a few things to be happy.
to feel at peace and utter contentment in life.
women are a little more complex.
i need more.
so as i've been doing a lot of this lately, i got to thinking.:)  some more.
find a few things that nourish me?
urgh.  well, there are million things i like to do, 
that make me happy and help me relax,
but what REALLY nourishes me?  
REALLY nourishes you?
and of course, it changes, based on the life sitch,
the season,
the kids.
right now, it's time to myself.
time to breathe, time to myself in quiet, to learn how to become more self-aware
without being self-obsessed=meditation.
love it.  i used to think yoga and mediation was a bunch of tom-foolery,
but the sh** works.
what else. . .baths.
i've NEVER taken a bath in our bathroom, because our tub grossed me out.
and my kids pee in there when they bathe.
but i scrubbed it down and said, 
'my turn.'
i'm all about trying new things and seem to be on an endless search 
for what brings peace and more contentment,
more patience and a better, more loving and peace-filled mommy,
to give back to my family.
so, baths.  at the end of a hectic day.
getting lost in bubbles, music and warmth.
even if it means sticking the kids in front of a movie so i can nourish a little.
so be it.
spending time with friends.
without fail, this ALWAYS nourishes.  whether a monthly dinner date
or weekday coffee.
this ALWAYS brings me joy and warmth.
but to make these things that nourish a regular practice,
the stuff that nourishes and brings life to your being,
are you making time for it?
not scheduling haphazardly when you're desperate,
but making it regular?
that's the hard part.  but SO, SO IMPORTANT.
giving back and nourishing yourself along the journey,
no matter how easy things are going,
or how hard they are.
remembering and using the things that nourish you,
to help you DO better, LIVE better and BE BETTER 
for everyone else around you.
it's been hard to get here.
the guilt over taking 'me' time,
feeling so selfish.
but we ALL have to do it,
you can't give and give and give OF yourself,
without giving a little BACK to yourself, 
(well, maybe mother theresa could.  but most of us are not wired like that.:)
so all this, 'give-to-yourself-be-a-little-selfish-take-some-me-time-it's-ok-talk,'
got interrupted yesterday.
and here's where i struggle.
i caught oprah's episode yesterday,
(which i NEVER watch, by the way.)
a show that stopped my self-centered ramblings and thoughts
in it's track.
this is us.
this is every family i know.
every neighbor mom that drives a mini-van and has little ones.
the unthinkable happening.
and you're whole life being gone in an instant.
your babies.
watch this episode if you haven't seen it.
and then,
knowing that this can happen to ANY of us,
how do we NOT spend EVERY.WAKING.MINUTE with our babies?!
screw massages and yoga and pedicures and 'quiet time' 
and me time, and vacations AWAY from the kids,
for the love of God.
how we do not spend EVERY second breathing in their scents,
resting our noses in their soft hair,
and the arches of their feet 
and holding and reading and coloring and EVERYTHING
with them WHENEVER we can?
capturing and savoring and inhaling EVERY precious moment of their little lives.
learning to see life again with THEIR vision?
from their little view?
life and all it's beauty, excitement, joy and simplicity.
and putting ourselves in their little shoes
imagining what they must feel like when someone twice their size,
loses their sh**,
is screaming at them, shooing them away, 
'not now.  i'm busy.  go play.  stop talking.'
imagine that was you.
because that could be us.
the length of their little lives are no more guaranteed than ours.
and what will that 'me' time have gotten us?
time away from what's most important in life.
our children.
each other.
so this is what i struggle with.
you also can't live in fear.
you can't live in the future.
fear of tomorrow, the unknown, pain, suffering,
i know this.  am learning this.
and that's what i'm trying to figure out.
how to live for today, IN THE MOMENT,
savoring it all.  the family time, the babies, 
but also taking a little bit, just a little bit,
for myself.
is it possible?
if you give everthing you've got to your family,
and something tragic happens,
well, maybe we'll tell ourselves, 'thank God, i was doing it right and savoring every moment!
but what if you haven't given enough to yourself over the years,
or your marriage,
living an uneventful but self-less life and devoted-to-everyone-else life,
yet find yourself falling apart at the seams, with failing health, a failing marriage, 
an inability to cope with anything outside of your little world.
because you haven't nurtured yourself,
or grown or gained wisdom or really LIVED?
i fear that too.
it's balance, right?
there's that word again.
learning to enjoy the best of both.
something i'll continue to work at.
i know when i take some 'time off' 
or simply time to breathe,
i feel energized, more present, more loving and compassionate and patient
for what matters most.
my babies.
and well, some days, an hour or two,
a quiet trip to target,
is like crack.
good.  but not enough.  i need more.:)
but you take what you can get 
and make the MOST of what you get.
but it's these stories,
others' stories and their tragedies,
their experiences, like the coble family,
that we learn from.
that stop us in our tracks and bring some much needed
perspective to our lives.
direction to the moment and what needs to be cherished.
forcing us to put down that load of laundry,
forget about all the 'stuff' we want to buy,
the items sitting in our 'cart' that will make our home
better and more beautiful.
forget it all.
push it all aside.
as well as the anger, frustration or impatience that's 
been directed towards the kids all day.
it's these stories that reminds us that most of what we worry about,
think about,
is stupid.  silly.  a waste of time and energy.
and needs to be replaced with love.
joy and being present.
that's it.


Unknown said...

Did you know I needed to read this today?!?
I love you and your words...Anna

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