Monday, November 22, 2010

as I dump chocolate chips into a jar of peanut butter,
spoon in hand, ready to shovel,
(yes, I do that on occasion when I need something sweet.)
remember, I eat chocolate every day?
and my h.s. girlfriends will probably giggle,
as I did this way back when too.
mmmmmmmm. . .
anyway, I think I picked this up from my dad,
who spent many years of my childhood,
spooning big globs of jiffy right out of the jar as he leaned against the kitchen counter,
dreaming up his next house project.
I too, am in that space tonight.
but not a house project.
oh, I have many things I'd like to tackle on this old house.
but my 'visions' go deeper than that.
there are so many things I WANT to do.
feel CALLED to do.
but how can I possibly do them all?
I want. . .
to play broomball this winter, or hockey.
to play with my kids more and do fun art projects and decorate our house with it.
to take more time for myself.
to travel.
to photograph more.
to take guitar and singing lessons.
to read more.
to be a yoga instructor.
to move to the country.
to start a garden.
to have more kids?
to volunteer, to give back, 

of course, having kids shoots a lot of those down quickly.
not because I can't, but because there's just not enough time, just not enough energy at this point in life.
I have not ONCE looked back and regretted having kids early.
We were fortunate enough to get pregnant a month after we got married. 
A nightmare to some.:)
But it happened and it seemed like it was supposed to, 
AND I firmly believe whether we understand it now or not,
our path in life is set.
so all those 'wants and needs,' although exciting and adventurous and intriguing,
may fizzle and disappear come friday 
or inspire us to take charge and follow our dream to the end,
if we want them badly enough.
gracie asked me today, as she does many days,
what I want to be when I grow up.
I always sigh and respond with, 'oh well, I'm already grown up and am who I'm going to be.'
But today, I felt differently about that answer.
Am I?
I've fulfilled two big dreams in a short 6 years.
Become a mother (something I've always wanted and dreamed for myself and felt called to.)
Become a business owner using one of my most deep-rooted passions, photography.
That's awesome.
And why can't that be enough then?
why do I feel like there has to be more?
Why can't we be happy and content with what we've got?
Where we are?
Maybe it's from being at home.
I've learned and AM still learning to embrace the mundane.
The beautiful daily rituals of butt-wiping, tear drying, hand-holding, macaroni-stirring, laundry folding insanity.
I know I won't be doing that forever and that it will be done in the blink of an eye.
But I'm always looking ahead to that 'next big thing.'
that 'next big challenge.  next big project.  next big trip.'
it's super annoying.
and maybe it IS because I'm home.
that we start to feel like there isn't a world outside of the four walls of our home,
or that we're in a bubble of mommyhood that seems never-ending.
and it's funny, because I really don't want it to end.
I don't feel close to being ready to close that chapter on life yet. . .raising small children.
But am always looking for more.
weird, huh?
oh, it's so good to have dreams.  
and one of my favorite quotes is,
'sometimes on the way to one dream, you find a better one.'
you can apply that to almost any aspect of your life. . .
your relationships, job, location. . .
but of some of the inspiring blogs I read about these women doing amazing things,
I just think, 'how the HELL is she doing all of that?  how?!  WHILE she's homeschooling her children and baking pies from scratch and being a good wife?!'
and the thoughts go on to, 'should I be homeschooling too?  what more can I do?  I need to BE more!'
like I want to 'one-up' people I've never met. 
it's crazy.
so, for now, peanut butter and chocolate chips and a silver spoon will have to do.
and the attitude that you can do anything you set your mind to, if you just believe and you want it badly enough.
it's all there for the taking.


MN Madrecita said...

Hi! I've been following your blog for a bit and have yet to comment...until now. I felt compelled to let you know that I completely connected with what you had to say. Honestly, it's as though I wrote this post - including the spoonfuls of PB and I VERY seriously considered homeschooling! I'm not even kidding! Kind of creepy, I know - not the homeschooling part, just the uncanny similarities.
I too am a Twin Citian SAHM constantly trying to channel my inner Mary Poppins to come out from hiding while seeking out awesome blogs that inspire me to play hop-scotch while molding playdough into a spaceship with one hand and a princess crown in the other hand, who prove that it's very possible to successfully homeschool brilliant, well mannered children, all while effortlessly cooking up well rounded meals that go beyond the noodle variety. Ugh. All of that is not the mommy 'me' that I always thought I would be, I'm simply trying to feel inspired by it all.
The bottom line to all of my commenting rambling nonsense is this - thank you for reminding me that it's not JUST me who is annoyed by the same inner thoughts. There are many other Moms who think and feel the same way!

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