anniversary and such.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

i brag about my husband to some people.
it's hard not to.
he's pretty amazing, i think.
he's one of the most amazing human beings i know.
i have some UNBELIEVABLE girlfriends,
who are just as much a part of my life as a family member is,
who support me in ways only girlfriends can,
but no one holds a candle to this man.
and i can't really explain why.
he just is.
cream of the crop.
he's a husband, a father, a brother, a son, a friend.
but beneath those relationships, which he gives his all to,
if he wasn't any of those things. . .didn't carry the burdens, the hefty weight of the responsibilities and dedication he devotes to each, that come with being the best for those relationships,
he'd be even more.
a coach, a firefighter, a deep-sea fisherman.
a president.
he's amazing.  with potential, i feel family life is hindering in some way.
but THIS is the life we chose.  and although we both daydream sometimes,
when the kids are nothing shy of a gong show, about the life we MIGHT have had,
had we not met, gotten married, had children,
i know we wouldn't trade what we've got for any job in the world.
i'm married to him.
not sure how that happened.
i often look to the heavens and ask what i did to deserve him?
and yes, i often curse his gross habits and look to the heavens and ask,
what i did to deserve him.:)
but he's all mine, no matter what.
and despite all the things he COULD'VE been or COULD'VE done,
he's ours instead.
oh, i know, he'll do great things, even with a family in the foreground.
he's amazing.
and i remember after we had jack, i felt like i was quickly falling in to the abyss that is motherhood.
that i wasn't going to look back at being a wife.  and i didn't care.
oh, i loved brian then, but i loved being a mom more than anything.
that relationship, our marriage, was now going to the back burner, because there was a new man in my life.
somehow, it didn't.
the distance between those relationships lengthens and shortens still.
especially now with more children in the mix.
and it depends on the day.  
and although i brag about this amazing man,
i'm hardly the doting wife during the week,
but rather, the shell of a woman, run ragged from motherhood,
with few kind words or affection to offer up, for this man who works harder than anyone i know,
to provide for his family.
with the arrival of each child,
moments of appreciation, love and gratitude for this man i randomly met 12 years ago,
has increased tenfold.
i've seen the true meaning of 'for better or worse,'
the sacredness of our vows,
and learned that we can't do this thing, life,
without each other.  without marriage.
no matter how much i love my space,
my quiet time,
my me time,
and believe in the importance of that for EACH of us,
it's made even better, when it becomes OUR time.
when we're able to escape the craziness of life right now,
and remember why we chose to do this in the first place.
or at least connect with each other outside of being 'mommy and daddy.'
just US.
you and i.
we don't do gifts.
no diamonds, no fluff-filled cards, maybe flowers sometimes,
we're lazy when it comes to gift-buying.
instead, we spend time together, even if it's just a nice dinner out and a sitter for the kids.
or we buy something for the house.  like new windows.
you have to do SOMETHING to celebrate this day, i believe.
your anniversary.
as brian and i celebrate 7 years married (12 years if you include dating,)
a lifetime, it seems, we have to stop and think. . .
such a weird idea, marriage.
joining together with another person and sharing your 
WHOLE life with them?! 
F-O-R-E-V-E-R?
that's insane.
isn't it?
but we still do it.  
whether we feel 'called' to take that next step,
or whatever reason you decided to get married.
and when i today, on our anniversary,
i reflect back on the day we married
(which feels like yesterday,)
an absolutely perfect, 75 degree and sunny, october day,
i think about how little i knew.
how young & naive i was.
it was a lovely day.
but i was a nervous wreck.  exhausted from planning.
never once questioning what i was doing, but
anxiously anticipating so much.
i had known brian six years at that point!
i knew he was the one.
i knew i wanted to spend my life with him.
but i could've done without the big hoopla wedding (although it was a blast.) 
it's not our actual wedding day that brings me so much joy.
it's all the moments that have been since.
there are too many to mention here.
but the good and bad moments.
some of the bad have brought us just as much good as the good moments have.
and i didn't love him NEARLY the way i do today.  
another 7 years later.
and although we'd been dating for awhile,
i didn't know him like i do now.
now that we've shared what seems like a lifetime,
loss,
babies,
cancer.
our personal space, our bed, our fears, our joys, our food,
(wait.  scratch that.  i don't share food.)
our idiosyncrasies
that will tick each other off to no end,
but we accept them all the same.
or we put up with them, because that's just what you learn to do.
because the good we find in each other far outways the annoying stuff.
and there's something about these life situations,
that forever connect you to each other.
that test you to no end, it seems.
but if you can see them through to the other side,
holding hands tightly along the way,
having to rely on each other to get through.
well, then you can't imagine your life without that person.
as a parent now, 
it's hard to imagine having to do this alone.
parenting.
having a husband to help bear the brunt of this huge responsibility we've been called to,
is everything.
having each other to lean on, to draw strength from, 
to know there's someone on your team, 
even if they don't agree with everything you do or think.
but someone to bring you back to earth,
help make dreams a reality
steer you in a better direction,
when you seem to ALWAYS be playing against rivals.
rivals who poop their pants, trash your home and talk back.
but somehow bring the two of US together even more,
a united front in trying to bring those rivals to our side,
or at least working daily to at least get THEM on the right path.
i don't know WHERE i'd be without your love and support, honey.
but i know we're exactly where we're supposed to be.
amongst the chaos, the tears, the whining, the diaper rashes,
the flu's, the boogers, the sleepless nights, the constant worry,
we have each other.  and that's all we need.
and we have them.
more love than we know what to do with.
you're all that is good and right in my life.
because of you, i want to be better.  
you are my life, my everything.
i love you, brian.
{and since this is charlie's birthday as well,
i can't end without celebrating him, our precious babe.
who snuck in, out, rather, when we were supposed to be out on our anniversary dinner.}
we love you, tuna.









2 comments:

BEES'NETTA said...

Happy Bday TUNA! And Happy Aniversary! Now where/how can I get a tuna shirt?

The Jagow Family said...

Happy Anniversary to you and your husband! And Happy Birthday to your little tuna!

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