before you know it, there you are.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

ok.  this is my new tag line.
or, my mantra.
or something.
because i can apply it to our life right now, almost daily.
i find these 7 words floating through my mind constantly.
with all events, all milestones, all fears, all tragedies.
the anticipation of all of these things, is gone in a flash.
and before you know it, there you are.
this WILL be a recurring title on my blogs, 
if it's pertaining to my family, my children, my life.
because before you know it, there you are.
only just THREE yesterday!
so excited for preschool!  not really knowing what preschool was, 
but knowing there were other children there.
new toys.  markers galore.  a few hours of total independence & freedom from mommys' rules.
and now here you are.  six.
only a day later.
it was just a day, wasn't it?
and ready to begin this next phase of your life.
MORE than ready.  (you, not me.:)
but enthusiastically running over the bridge that connects preschool to BIG school.  REAL school!  
where reading, spelling, memorizing, coloring between the lines, rules & discipline,
are kicked in to high gear. 
which kicks off the journey in to what seems, a LIFETIME of school.
to college.
as a parent, we all know, kindergarten is way more than just seeing your baby off in a backpack that's almost as big as him.
watching his face as he walks the looming, florescent-lit halls to his new classroom, amongst BIGGER kids,
no longer wrapped up in the coziness & intimacy of his little preschool classroom.
this is big time now, for you AND us, your parents.
this is the beginning.
it's the beginning, for us, as parents, 
of that whole 'letting go' nonsense.
letting go.  
do we EVER really do that, as parents?  maybe physically we do.
i don't think you ever do emotionally.
if i had a quarter for every time i heard that phrase.
but this is it. . .mommy learning to 'let go.'
one kindergarten day at a time.
letting you go in to the world of GOBS of germs, 
the unknown,
no more sleepy afternoons spent napping, 
no more keeping you safe behind a gate at the bottom of the stairs,
restrained to your high chair, where you can't fall down 
or get hurt.
of course, those days, for you, have been long gone anyway,
but kindergarten seems to bring those memories, those few short years,
bulldozing through,
the minute we see you slip on that backpack & say,
'i'm ready mom!'
letting you go,
into a world of heartaches, failures, mistakes,
mean kids, hurtful words, strangers.
but letting you go, to use what you've been taught,
to expose you, let you experience, figure things out in your own little brain.
and after all, it IS just kindergarten,
where we still have the luxury of bringing you home, 
hearing all you learned about
& help you sift through the confusing or the challenging.

i wasn't really 'emotional' until we started taking pictures of course.
this is when my mind frantically searches for the pause button.
'can we just stop this right here?  freeze this big moment?  please???'
because moving forward means, well, moving forward in life.
growing up.  
something i hate about having kids.  they have to grow up.
i don't like it.
so as i'm frantically searching for that pause button, well, time keeps moving by,
and seems to on super fast forward.
he has to get to school.  i have to. . .
let go.
when we got to school, it was a little chaotic.
bunches of other parents, doing the same thing.
letting go.  
taking pictures, hugging, crying or trying to be numb to this moment they've been anticipating, because, well, sometimes it's easier to be numb & just not acknowledge the milestone that is, entering kindergarten.
and gosh, it seems, no matter how long we stay with them, make sure they're ok,
how many pictures we take, 
soak up the moment,
it still feels rushed.  
like we're literally being SHOVED through this event, whether we like it or not.
and NOW, well NOW i'm looking for the rewind button!
screw pause!
can we just go back?  to that day in the hospital?  that warm, swaddled, innocent & untouched little piece of heaven? 
safe & protected in mommy's arms, from, everything?
no school, no other kids, no germs, no having to 'let go.'
just having to 'hold tight' & love, & feed & rock & sleep.  
and there is no pause button, no rewind button.
only in pictures, can we be brought back.  which is priceless.
which is why i LOVE what i do.
and we do our best to embrace each phase, as we are pushed forward, on to the next.
and i KNEW it was time to let go,
when i reached down to hold jack's hand as we walked in to school, like i've done SO many times over the past six years, assuming he'd want to, 
'do you want to hold my hand jack?'
'mom.  it's ok.  you don't need to hold my hand.'
eeh.  (that's the sound my heart made when it broke a little bit.)
and when i had to bite my lip to keep the flood gates from opening, 
as i walked him to his classroom.
because this was it.  he didn't need my hand for this one.  he was ready.:)




Kristin said...

Oh Liz, this post just gave me the reminder to enjoy every toddler moment of John's,no matter what it may be, because they do grow so unbelievably fast. It has been sooo fun watching Jack grow over the past 6 years. Cannot believe the little man is in kindergarten.
Love your posts.
See you in a couple of weeks!

Vuong Family said...

Liz- you have such a beautiful way with words, brings tears to my eyes every time I read your posts. The stinkin' sad music doesn't help either! This one hit home as my kids started daycare this week and I sobbed all the way to work. Thanks for keeping it real ;-)

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