spill it, girl.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

ok.  let me just say something.
i TRY, TRY, TRY, to paint a loving, blessed, appreciative, 'glass half full' image of my family.
my beautiful kids, my amazing husband (see?  here i go, painting that picture.:)
our strength & victories in our struggles. 
because that's nice, right?  that's what people want to hear about.
at the end of everyday, i am thankful.
despite. . .well, despite whatever sh** went down that day.
i have been, for some time now, 
a self-proclaimed debby downer.  maybe no one else sees that?  maybe no one thinks of that when they think of me.
but that's how i see myself in my head.  always worrying.  always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  always focusing on the future, the 'what if's,' the negative.
if no one knows this about me, that's amazing.
or maybe i'm not giving myself enough credit.
but for the most part, this is the style of my thinking on most days.
i'm working on this.
but what i'm discovering too, as i try to change this RIDICULOUS way of thinking,
as i grow older, become more secure with myself,
my beliefs, 
trust the strength & devotion & love in the connections i have with friends & family,
no matter what i say or do,
well, i'm learning to LOVE not giving a sh**.  
about much.  much of what i say.
i LOVE to just spill it.  no sugar coating.
'so, this was how my day was.  my kids sucked today.  i hate everything & everyone right now.  i just want some damn icecream or a muffin or Jesus, a block of fudge or something!'
'how was your day, so & so?'
my friends, the people i adore & the people i let into my little circle,
are the people/women that JUST SPILL IT.
that skip right past the pleasantries of 'oh, how is your summer going?  your flowers look so nice!  love your shoes!  they match so well with your pajama bottoms!'  
to the, 'ARGH!  MY KID (so & so,) IS BEING SUCH AN A** today!  my husband is working late again!  i'm fat.  my mom is driving me nuts.'
oh, how i LOVE these people.  who just SPILL IT.  don't hold back.  tell you you look like garbage.  but give you a hug & bring you coffee.  who make you laugh & feel SO at home with them.
i really don't want to know about where you're sending your kids to school.  
that you can't find a dress for that wedding.
that your trying decide between hosta or fern for your landscaping.
who cares.
i want to know why you're struggling with your middle child.
i want to know that you & your husband curse your children at night, sometimes, 
while you drink wine & plan your next get-a-way.
i want to know that you were binge eating peanut nut rolls because, you don't know why.
i want to know that you didn't brush your teeth yet OR shower (and it's 5pm.)  why not?  
tell me? 
i think that's awesome.
it's EXHAUSTING & BORING & SILLY to not just be you, at this point in your (my) life.
i just read this fantastic blog post from one of my most FAVORITE photographers.
but she spoke on the topic of TRUTH. 
read it.  it's wonderful.
but i hear her & feel like her kindred spirit, & you probably will too.
especially as a mother, a stay-at-home one to boot,
you run low on patience, tolerance, sympathy, as the days pass.
and little sleep or time for YOU starts to warp your mind & make you go a little bit crazy.
ah, but it's fun.
a tired, disheveled & severely agitated mom, 
needs a stage & a mic, because they (i'm) quite hilarious.:)
so, let's be truthful about my day today, shall we?
again, keeping in mind,
i go to bed most nights, feeling guilty & HORRIBLE for the terrible thoughts & things that passed through my mind on that particular day,
how i almost walked out of the house,
leaving my 3 toddlers to fend for themselves until daddy got home,
because i couldn't stand them anymore.
and oh, if i REALLY shared the horribleness of those thoughts,
i would lose all of my blog followers.:)
unless you're a mom like me. . .and get it.
i could go on.
how i shushed my daughter way, who was trying to give me a hug, 
because i didn't buy it for a second!
she'd been a jerk ALL DAY & was trying to give me a hug (but only because she wanted icecream.)
i'm not stupid.
but still!  how horrible.  and it's those little moments, where you can either handle it like mother theresa & embrace her like there's no tomorrow & give her whatever she wants,
or be a cold, heartless bi**ch, like i was today!
so that is my living room, above.  doesn't look so bad.  quite lovely, actually.
but these little messes, strewn about in our cozy (& now, smaller,) home, 
because today i.just.didn't.care.
i wasn't exhausted, surprisingly enough, just bored.
just L.A.Z.Y.
it was like a mid-february frozen day, 
where you just don't want to do a damn thing, but lay in bed, read a book & sip coffee.
fall in & out of sleep.
with no one to keep nudging you, begging you for something, screaming at you, complaining to you.
just quiet. 
a blanket, a book & mother f-ing quiet.
not so much.  you can't have that anymore (UNLESS you take a vacation or wait until the kids go to bed.  and that really doesn't count, because at that point, your beyond tired & or able to think straight.)
no, you lay in bed, don't lift a thing, coziness is this.
letting it all go.
leaving the mess.
but i woke up today, thinking, 
'oh, only a few more days of summer.  what should we do, how should we spend it?'
i thought about taking the kids to the zoo. . .
until my son woke up complaining about. . .something ridiculous
and i was instantly reminded of all the lovely things we've done for them this summer,
with little to no appreciation for ANY of it. 
only complaints & demands of, 'I WANT MORE!  I DON'T LIKE THAT!  BLAHHHHH!'
scratch that.
i thought,
'let's play some bored games!'
until my 2-year-old, who thinks anyone sitting on the living room floor=football & tackling.
he repeatedly tried to take the 3 of us out, as we nicely tried to play a game.
chaos & frustration ensued, as the other 2 got pissed & decided, 'let's just throw the game pieces everywhere.
scratch bored game playing.
i thought, 'ok.  let's just sit & snuggle.  we never just sit & snuggle.
that was nice. . .for about 2 minutes until someone's elbow jacked me in the nose (you know how much that hurts,)
and i lost my sh**.
as well as any attempt to make this day enjoyable for ANYONE.
they were on their own at that point.
stepping over matchbox cars, slipping on game pieces, nearly breaking my old hips & crushing my 2-year-old under the weight of my (2-year, post-pregnancy) be-hind, to get out of this ridiculousness of a day, for my kitchen chair & a magazine, i retreated.
THIS became my peace.
letting the house get trashed, the laundry pile up, the dishes on every square inch of my
4"X4" kitchen.
doesn't look so bad, right?
just a few puzzle peices?
but here's the problem.
it's not the game pieces left out, 
that i asked my daughter to pick up 12X nicely, before screaming commenced.
it's not that my kids are all in their underwear/diaper, 
and throwing all of said game pieces up into the air like they just won the lotto,
it's the NOISE on top that mess.
the sounds of your my 2 & 4-year-old running like elephants from the couch to the wall, 
the couch to the wall,
the couch to the wall,
slamming their little (but solid,) westerhaus frames in to the dining room wall, 
rattling the shelves, the plates, the picture frames.
because, well, that's what they do when they're bored.
and slam into things.
smart, right?
it's the screaming at each other, first with total glee & excitement, because this is fun, right?
mommy doesn't even care that we're doing this!
she hasn't talked to us since we drilled her in the nose, and now,
she's sitting in the kitchen reading a magazine (or is she crying,) ignoring us!
then, big brother decides to make this even MORE fun, by trying to TACKLE or TRIP baby brother & baby sister as they run by, until the gleeful laughing turns in to tears & hysteria,
all the while, mommy sitting at the kitchen table,
'go ahead & kill each other.  i don't care.  but leave me alone.'
one of those days.
quite funny & quite horrible.
but this, going back to what i was saying,
is my life, how many days are here.
i'm not embarrassed.  i'm not proud either.
i just am.  surviving.
most days are filled with activity.  filled with peacefulness (uh, well, sorta'.)
filled with appreciation, gratitude & fun.
but let's be honest her now.
it's august.  it's sweaty hot.  we've exhausted all avenues of entertainment for the summer.
i don't want to go anywhere.  especially with you three.
so, it's just one of those days.
where you find a cob of corn next in your family room.  half eaten.
what the f***?!
but i embrace it.  i coped to the best of my ability.
i didn't do the day perfectly, say all the right things, give all the best hugs,
but i will try again tomorrow & do better.
and continue to be honest about who i am, how i parent, my good days & my bad days,
because that's what makes me, me.
and (ending on a happy note.)
despite the craziness of these days,
i do TWO tuck-ins at night.
the angry, just go to bed already, God damn-it!  
and then the hour later, 'ugh, i was such a jerk today to my kids.  it's not their fault.  they were just being themselves and coping to the best of THEIR ability, with an agitated, burned out mommy, summer heat & boredom, tuck in.  where i watch them sleep & kiss them until they stir & tell them i love them SO much.  their beautiful little, peace-filled faces, the same way they looked when they were just little newborns.  how little their faces seem to change, while asleep.
hoping those quiet words will float in to their tired little brains & only bring them sweet dreams of all the GOOD things that happened this day.  and give them the continuous, unconditional love they bring me each morning, 
loving me no matter HOW nasty i was the day before.
giving me a reason to wake up & try again, try harder, to love them better & with all of my being.


Unknown said...

This is what I love about you Liz...you are honest and real! Heck ya - I totally have days like you have described. Days where I just want to say "screw it"....but of course I don't and I always (well usually) come around the next day..or really that night after Sydney is tucked in to bed AND asleep. But I most definitely have a lot of those same thoughts as you....I think we are normal. Or we can just think that, right? :)

And the half eaten ear of corn...that was funny. But I would have thought the same thing....what the f***? :)

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