motherhood.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

ah, yes.  
mother's day.  a national holiday.  LOVE IT!  and love YOU, whoever you are, that thought of it.
one of my most favorite days EVER!!!
(we tried to be cute in 1st picture, but gave up quickly, seeing as our outfits were not planned well, hubbie was annoyed for having to pull over on the side of the road to take 'silly pictures,' charlie was pissed as usual. . .i was disheleved mommy (as usual,) woke up late with a head cold,)
so decided we'd recreate charlie's birth!  
(kidding.  pretty sure i wasn't wearing my awesome leather jacket & cute jeans for that event.)
no, just swinging him.
(aside from my birthday,) it is a day i become COMPLETELY selfish.
i'm just going to be honest.  
i'm a brat when it comes to my birthday & mother's day.
i have EXTREMELY high expectations.  
snob, yes.
i don't expect to be showered with diamonds, flowers, chocolates, etc.
i just am NOT going to lift a DAMN finger!
it's the one day i KNOW i don't have to do anything, if i don't want to.
ONE WHOLE DAY i'm 'off the hook,' 'clocked out,' rendered hommage to PURE, unadulterated LAZINESS.
get up early with the kids?  nope.  sorry.  sleeping in.
change a diaper?  nope, you do it.  
clean the kitchen?  not today.
laundry?  baths?  picking up?  dishes?  nope, nope & nope.
i'm STILL a mother on this day.  like today, for instance.
charlie poops in the bath tub.  sweet.  who'll clean it up?  mom.
grace trips & drills her head on a sharp corner.  goose egg & all, praying it doesn't crack open-calming & ice-pack holding=mom.
and i know something else ridiculous happened today, but can't remember of course, because my brain is fried.
so, i talk big, but you can NEVER COMPLETELY check out from being a mom. 
you always are.  always there, ready to drop your laziness, your 'rest time,' your whatever you're doing, to be a mom.  but it's hard some days.  



i'm pretty spoiled.  i have an amazing husband that gives me more 'mommy days' than i deserve. 
so really, i don't deserve to soak up this day.
but i do.
a LOVELY day here in MN.  got to sleep in, have a coffee & car packed with my kids ready for church, actually LISTEN & HEAR the homily at mass, as my husband chased our wild tuna around, had lunch made for me, took a nap, did a little shopping, dinner made for us AGAIN by my husband.
lovely.
i'd like to talk about mothers in general.  
you know, i haven't met one YET, that wasn't a little crazy.
women, are crazy in general.  i really believe that.  we're wired crazy.
and i'm ok saying that, because i'm a woman & i'm crazy.
but MOTHERS.  crazy.
and can you blame us?
the priest at our church put it well. . .'the love a mother has for her child is indescribable.  immeasurable.]
that's true.
you can call it as outstanding, marvelous, gigantic, overwhelming, 1000X over & that's STILL not large enough to describe the love we mothers have for our children.
no matter how tired, how angry, how frustrated, how guilty, how sick we feel everyday of the week.
that love is always there, from the minute we first feel them a flutter in our bellies to the end of time.
so put that love on top of the job you have to carry out as a mother. . .all that you do BECAUSE of that love. . .caring for, feeding, washing, scrubbing, working, reading, singing, keeping safe, repairing, worrying, wringing hands, wiping tears, noses, scraped knees & dirty butts, praying, wishing, dreaming, teaching, running, chasing, catching, soothing, holding. . .the list goes on.
ENOUGH.TO.MAKE.ANY.WOMAN.CRAZY.
slowly.  over time.  with each new child that enters our family.  each new worry.
i'm convinced we lose a brain cell (or 10,000.)
i'm finally realizing & understanding & think it's safe to say, that we sacrifice our sanity for our children's sake.
in hope's that we will raise them to be better people than we are.
again, most mom's i know, ESPECIALLY veteran mom's, kids long out of the house,
have lost it.  maybe they're crazy with glee that they survived & now have their life back a little bit. . .
but also crazy from the years spent being a mother.
but it's funny!  they have the most amazing children.  the most normal, down to earth, kind, honest, genuinely decent human beings.  mom's crazy, yes.  but i think she became that way because she was trying to raise YOU to be a good person.  to be BETTER than her!
my husband had a dream once that God spoke to him & told him ALL WOMEN WERE SAINTS.  i'm not kidding.
and when i asked him, he said he had no idea what i was talking about.  :)
but i REMEMBER because i think i said, 'damn right they are!'
maybe not saints, but amazingly crazy creatures, no?
ANYWAY, motherhood is amazing.
mommy is my favorite word.
(next to wonderful, fabulous, bedtime & sale.)
and we're all just trying not to judge other mom's (but we do,) & most importantly, trying our DAMNDEST to be the best. . .to do OUR BEST in raising our children.
my own MOTHER, was a completely different mother than me.
again, i'm crazy.  disciplinarian.  on my kids for everything.  
my mom wasn't like that.
when i became a mom, i started to recollect all the things SHE did as a mother for my sisters & i.
so much.  i don't even know where to begin.
but i remember one time.
i was 18.  SO SAD.  SO DEPRESSED.  totally lost in life.  in college, going through a terrible break-up with someone i thought loved me.  you know. . .'the world is ending' kind of stuff.
selfish & ridiculous when i think back, but just a mess.  
i left school, skipped some classes. . .just wanted to be home to cry, think & figure things out.
but man, i was a mess.  i felt TOTALLY LOST.  not just over this relationship, but my place in the world, what was i supposed to be doing with my life.  i wanted to run.
i came home, went straight up to my old room, slammed the door & hid under the covers & just sobbed my poor little, broken heart out.
again, keep in my mind i was grown woman.  an adult.  looking back at that girl, i would've told her to 'stop her whining!  buck up & be thankful for the life you have!  the opportunities you have.  forget boys!  move on!  don't let this get you down!'
but at the time, i was completely wrapped up in my nonsense & sadness.
so, i lay in bed sobbing.  praying for help, for this all to make sense.  for some guidance.
i heard my bedroom door open & my mom peeked her head in.
'are you o.k. liz?'
'no.  i'm not.'
i don't know if i said anything else, but my mom didn't say anything else.
she came in & snuggled next to me in my bed, took me in her arms & held me like i was her baby girl.  
didn't say a word.  just brushed my hair with her fingers & let me cry & just held me, like i was her, little baby again.
and that was all i needed.
and that's all our babies need.  
no matter what age.  to know we're there & will ALWAYS be there.  to know no matter what they do, what they say, how they disappoint us, embarrass us, you name it, that indescribable love will ALWAYS  be there & we will ALWAYS be their mommy.  that everything we do, is for them, to help them be even better!




2 comments:

Jenny said...

Ahh, the tears...

Great post. And Happy Mother's Day to you!

Jessica said...

Liz,
After january we stopped communicating, but I still visit your blog ocasionally to read about your kids (that I miss) and gather your insights. You write from such an honest place in your heart (probably the same place you take pictures from) that I often find myself holding back a tear or two.
You are an amazing mother doing an amazing job. Being in your home was one of the happiest places, even when Grace was throwing a five-alarm fit, that I have ever been.

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